Valentine’s Day is here…
I felt kind of conflicted when trying to decide what rule to write about for today. It’s my love month for the blog, and today is THE love holiday. For better or for worse.
I thought about making it universal and talking about how I should remember to send love to everyone. But, some people either don’t want love or their not ready for it yet. And, that’s okay. Plus, some just have a real bone to pick with this holiday in general. So, I wasn’t settled on that.
Then I thought, maybe I’ll write about the love I have for my loved ones on a day ALL about love. But, I’ve done variations on that theme in many other posts.
Then I thought, well there’s the obvious route. I’m in Alpine, TX with my girlfriend celebrating Valentine’s Day…why not talk about that?
This morning I woke up before the birds were chirping, and just as the sun had begun to cut through the night sky. There were shades of Indigo, pink and purple just barely showing through the drapes of our bedroom. I decided to get up and watch the sunrise.
I got dressed and got coffee brewed. Went outside and sat bundled up with my warm cup of joe, a play, and my thoughts. I haven’t heard quiet like the desert gets quiet in the morning really ever, but it’s pretty magnificent.
As I watched the colors in the sky shift, and fought back the shivers from the brisk morning wind, I started thinking back on past mistakes. I couldn’t rest my mind from focusing on things I can’t change. I started just kind of talking about it out loud to the wind. Asking for guidance.
I realized in much of my life I’ve ALWAYS been afraid I wouldn’t be good enough for someone to love me. There’s a lot of reasons for this that I won’t get into in this post. However, in that belief I also always thought if a person knew my true thoughts, knew how undisciplined I was, knew my real imperfections, and I was openly honest about all of that…then I’d lose love. Reality is, that belief kept me from ever being truly vulnerable with those who I love and has made developing intimacy this strange dark art to my brain.
Later in the morning I decided to open up to my girlfriend and talk about this sort of revelation I had. She smiled and understood, and nearly finished my sentences as the words were coming out of my mouth. I told her I was afraid talking to her about it that she would think I was strange, unworthy, or just not for her. She smiled and said she loved me.
It might not happen for you soon, but know that if you start allowing yourself to be vulnerable with people, eventually you will be able to develop true, grounded, and lasting love.
I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day.